Archive for March 16th, 2014

Lucifer lay dreaming. Dreaming of popping the eyeballs of hedge fund managers out of their sockets to be used as garnish in her favorite cinnamon martini which she would sip ever so slowly while chuckling softly as these titans of wall street walked into walls made of stinging nettle, fell off cliffs into shark infested waters and became impaled on brimstone over and over again. It was a happy dream. A dream from which she was loathe to waken. A dream filled with cackle and hawking up hatred. The catatonic eyeballs floated in a viscous miasma of juniper and spice, turning slowly, looking out, then down then right at her. "Hi there eyeball of former scumbag doomed to wander the seven realms of hell (or was that nine, I forget), running into things and falling on sharp objects." At which point she would delicately place the sphere on her pustulating tongue, roll it around a bit and swallow it whole so that it could watch itself being eaten away by tummy juice. This all ended ever so abruptly when her retard half brother, Looey started kicking her in the head, you know, just to see. She arose in a rage measuring seven point two on the beeotch vector. No laughing matter. She put her thumb in her mouth, blew real hard and pushed her stoved in nose back out to normal ugly. Looking down at Looey with his goofy drooling face, she had a moment of compassion and a slight empathetic smile before kicking his toosh into the nearest lake of fire, you know, just to see. Now Looey was a vegetarian, so he floated on the fire with nary a singe. As he approached the shore he gestured his grief in having offended his big sister by pulling a knife out of his trousers and pointing to his penis. The hangdog expression on his face was priceless. Lucifer couldn't help herself, she laughed so hard that Jimmy Hoffa came flyin' out of her Kootchie. "C'mere ya big lug, she oozed." She gave her little brother a big bear hug as Jimmy crawled back up to continue his game of cribbage with hitler and freud. "Why I haven't had a laugh like that since I sent those dragons to toast the Sumerians (total smartasses). Is there anything your little heart desires, my sweet Looey? Just say the word and its yours." Looey looked puzzled. That's how he looked while thinking. Like he was watching a dog perform an appendectomy. This continued until flies started buzzing around his head. Finally, he fell asleep, but not before a single word passed over his puffy lips: "Cabbage." When he awoke, there, arrayed before him, was the most fabulous display of every variety of cabbage in the known universe. Round ones, flat ones, leafy ones, hairy ones, ones with six colors, ones that tasted like salted watermelon. He could barely contain his joy. Tears welling up. Hand trembling as it reached out for the first of the feast. Prior to this moment, cabbage was hard to come by in Hell. The climate does not favor such a crop unless it's the famous speckled maroon Venusian cube cabbage which grows in conditions very similar to Hell. Otherwise, shit outaluck. Lucifer had called in a few favors, and created a cool space around the tables so that Looey could eat to his hearts content without a leaf wilting. He commenced. Within minutes his fat little fingers were moving from table to mouth with blinding speed. Bits of leaf crammed into his pie hole like he was loading a juicer. Jaws grinding like a cuisinart. Masticated cabbage winding its way down the gullet on its way to a gassy breakdown. Lucifer looked on with curious amusement as Looey's stomach began to swell and the first of the gaseous effluvium made its escape accompanied by high pitched squeaking sounds akin to rusty old springs in a car seat on a bumpy road. It simply hadn't occurred to either Lucifer or Looey that the gassy wake left by scarfing up so much cabbage might pose a threat to Looey's health. After all, cabbage is rare in Hell. Then, the tipping point. Looey's girth had nearly doubled and his breathing was labored. He tried walking around to help move things along which only produced slightly more squeaky discharges. He felt dizzy. His knees were buckling. Then a searing pain as a bubble of flesh, like a hernia appeared below his belly button, then another a couple of inches away and another popping up his hip. Lucifer looked alarmed and started backing away slowly. Good thing too, 'cause when he exploded it was one glorious mess. Talk about coleslaw. Sheeesh. Lucifer was slack jawed. Nonplussed. Flabber gas ted. She didn't know what to do. Her beloved foil Looey was a shredded pile of gooo. She started pacing. Small flames started shooting out her ears and nostrils. Her complexion reddened even more. She raised her fists to the firmament and roared, "damn you cabbage, damn you to Hell." She dreamed a dream of wiping out all cabbage, everywhere. It made her smile. When she awoke she saw that she had drawn a picture of a delicate little moth in the sand with her claw. As she looked at it, it came to life, turned white with delicate markings, fluttered to her ear and said, I'll wipe out that fuckin' cabbage for ya'. And thus the cabbage moth was born. True story. So the next time you see the frenzied spring crop of this demon spawn fluttering about, think of Looey and have a side of slaw. That's right, SHE. I got an advance copy of Dan Browns new book entitled "Mona Lisa Smile". Just what IS she smiling about? You'll find out, soon enough. The more you show, the more we'll grow. Peace, Jp